Family Concerns

Every decision has its consequences. Everyone learns this–some easier than others. Some people have to learn the “hard way”. Some learn early from the discipline of parents that there are consequences to actions. But as parents, how can we chose forms of child discipline?

One of the easiest and most used ways to discipline a child (even if you don’t realize it) is to use “if/then” consequences. (Everyone has heard, and many parents have even used, this: “IF you do not finish your peas, THEN you get no dessert.”).

Before beginning to use this method, there are a few things parents need to understand:

1. There is a world of difference between “punishing” your child and “disciplining” her. Punishment is meant to show power and strength, but little love. Discipline teaches a child what behavior they exhibited that was unacceptable, and helps them to understand why. Children also learn what you want them to do next time.

2. Never discipline your child when you are angry or upset. Reprimand the behavior at the time, but wait to discipline until you (and your child) have calmed down.

3. Always tell your child that the behavior–not her, is unacceptable. Do not assume that your child knows this, tell her every time you need to discipline her.

4. Make the consequences of your child’s action appropriate to the behavior, and make them immediate. (Also make sure that the consequences are things you both can live with. Telling your child that you’ll leave him home for the next outing when you–and he–know that you won’t, is not effective).

5. Rewards for good behavior should not be monetary, nor should they be expensive gifts. We parents do not get money, cars, expensive gifts, etc., for doing the right thing, and we do not want to teach our children that she will be rewarded for doing the right thing. Rewards should be based on the effort your child makes, not necessarily a perfect outcome.

6. Be consistent! Children thrive on consistency. If he gets away with something once, he’ll try it again. Being inconsistent not only aggravates you, but can exacerbate the situation.

7. Make sure both parents are on the same page, and are consistent. (Ever since there have been children and parents, children have been telling Dad “But Mom said…” or vice versa.)

Once you know what each consequence or reward is, schedule a time to talk to your child. Make sure that there are no distractions (such as the TV or cell phones) on either side. Schedule a time when you are relaxed and calm, and so is your child. Tell your child what you expect, and why you want to make the changes. Keep the discussion brief, and make it appropriate to her age level. Let your child know that you love him, and because you love him, that the two of you are going to work on changing some unacceptable behaviors.

The “if/then” discipline method, if used consistently, should help your child every time. However, if you continue to have problems with your child, you may want to look into professional help as there may be emotional issues or learning disabilities that may be an underlying factor.

The most important thing parents can do is to instill good values into a child. One of the easiest ways to do this is to teach children that there are consequences to her actions.